Sometimes when things are lost, it is lost forever. You just cannot get it back. No matter how many drawings u draw, how many cards u send, things will never get back how it used to be. This is especially so to bonds between people.
I am back into this situation, whereby i really missed someone whom i can talk to, and can talk to me. We used to talk about each others problems, study together, etc. But lately, i just feel that we lost touch of each other.
I keep telling myself this, different phase of life, we meet different people to help our present problems. I like to think i am moving on to another phase of life, and so i lost touch of this friend to let another one into my life. Though that soothe me to a certain extent, but i just keep wondering...
I really dont know what to say or feel now.
I really have no idea why, but so happens when she is troubled, i would know.
I guess its fate playing with me again, wanting me to know, "You are there. But you just cannot help. Because your time is over. And so you both are not as close as you can be. Give up!"
Sometimes i wonder, is having friends a boon or bane? I look and my mother. She real noble. She is a housewife and so, she do not have friends or cliques like me. There's only family in her life. I really wondered, how can she live on each day just like that. But she does, and she does it happily. She never take for granted the small little happiness in her life.
Probably that's realistic living. Friends can never last for life. Be it close, closer, or closest friend. Family can.
From my distance, or how distant i will feel to those friends, i will definitely keep praying for those close friends which i have lost throughout this life period. I would keep praying silently for them.
Have you ever heard your father calling you a loner before? I had. He told my sister, " I know your brothers..., Jake, .... are all loners.." After hearing that, i had a weird expression, because i was kind of laughing and what he said. I was thinking, " Nope i am not a loner. I have great friends accompany me. And during this exam period time, i also have someone there as well. Whenever i needed help, i have friends there to help. So nope, i am not a loner." Naive thinking. I realised that loner isnt a person without the physical accompany of friends. He is actually a person without the emotional accompany of friends. No matter how many friends he has, he will always feel that whatever he does, he is always alone.
I spend the whole early morning, thinking what i really did wrong. What was the base fault line, that resulted in my whole messed up insecurity feeling. Why was i doing all this, to get back something i thought i have lost, when it might not have been?
The base fault line, was confessing. It did more harm than good. Initially thought that clearing this up, could make people closer. In the end, that only good didnt happen. The bad happen otherwise. One, it made my tears flow like endless stream on the bus that day, and everyone in the bus thought i was some pathetic stressed up JC student. Two, it was from that on, everything wasnt the same as before, on my side that is. My emotions were more messed up.
Jealousy. I am really ashamed, to say i actually got jealous over stuff. Thinking back, i must be real pathetic. Really. Teacher talks about Jealousy, as one of the great evil feelings one cannot possess. It will do more harm than good. It will result positive things to become negative.
I thought it through already. The guy who had small little dreams. Dreams of going out on a date with the girl he likes, going to see christmas lightings on christmas. Thinking fate would go in his way everytime. The guy who thinks alot, because he wants to show he cares. That guy has gone. He has gone back into where he was always suppose to be, deep inside me.
There's a reason, why things happen over and over again. And in order to stop this, one must change their mentality. I want to stop such things from happening over and over again. I have gone back, to my old ways. Emotions and all, do not exist in my dictionary. And this time, i am not turning back.
God, that guy, Please embrace him tightly. He has reasons for doing what he did, and he has got hurt alot of times. There are many times he tried to be decisive, but he was too soft hearted.
Well, i wrote a whole lot of things just now, but i felt it was too private. So decided not to put it up. But all i just want to say is that the feeling is gone. And it makes me feel abit empty. But it is part of life i guess. And the key is to never look back. Hope this is not called suppressing.
I didnt really cam whore with them. It kind of feels wierd, when you reached there, and see those faces. Familiar, yet wierd. Then i start saying.."Hey!..i remember you." Then nothing to talk about already. HAHA. Well, they said they will never forget me. Because i was real strict person and all. LOL. Guess that shadow i cast on people can never be forgotten.
But its interesting seeing them. Though my best buddy, jay and yi liang went MIA. Sad though. If not, it will be more fun for me i guess. More photos up soon.
I just got back from primary school outing. Well, its kind of fun, finally caught in touch with everyone. The fun is when you start recognising faces, and go silent for a few minutes. HAHA. Awkward feeling not seeing each other for 4 years.
But of course, there was sad story as well. Besides talking about late Daniel, he passed away on his birthday when i was sec 3, i got to know another story.
Bidian, i knew him as a hyper active boy. He's from china, and love outdoor sports like basketball and running. But just last year, he got into a car accident. The friends in the car managed to get away unhurt, but, he got himself paralyzed. When i heard it, i was really shocked. And that explains alot of demoralizing phrases on his facebook account.
Like what Aizat said, life is just like that. Scaring, terrifying. You might never know what might come to you the next day. Who knows, i might be paralyzed or dead tomorrow.
While walking back home, i was thinking, how is my suffering as worse as his. He is paralyzed, while i am still able. But yet, i am bothered by emotional stuff. Compared to him, my "problems" now are peanuts. I really feel ashamed, when i start thinking about the different feelings i feel now.
But i guess one can never be fully satisfied in life. If Bidian were to be not like what he is in today, he would most probably face emotional and other problems as well.
Even if you have all the things in the world, you will still be attached to problems. Problems bound you for life, because you are attached. Attachment to people, to reality.
Ok, the outing wasnt a unhappy one. I am just thinking. Will blog more about the outing later when all the pictures are uploaded. Hope we will meet up soon again.
I stumbled this across the net. And yes, this is my definition of fate. Who in the world create all this quotes man.
But somehow, i seem to be loosing faith. Because it seems that you cant decide either. It still depends on fate. I realised i have been loosing alot of things. Alot. Hmm:-S
Taken at Tokyo Bay. The backdrop is rainbow bridge. Really nice.
I still remembered I first saw this pencil, i was quite fascinated with the mechanism. Like how it is unusual from the others. It uses a popup mechanism, meaning you can compress this pencil to about half the size. I got knew it through my friend. Then one christmas evening, i was shopping at Harris at Suntec. I saw that pencil for sale. I do not know why, but somehow there was this special feeling, for me to get that pencil. It was an ordinary mechanical pencil, however, more expensive. But i still wanted to have it.
And so, that pencil accompanied through my second year of JC. I always used mechanical pencil for graph work. I always played around with this mechanical pencil. It also played a part with my bonding with my new class. When i took out this pencil, people would become fascinated, and tried to act like agents Men In Black, when they take out the equipment to erase people's memories.
Sadly, I lost this mechanical pencil on the last day of exams. At first, i panicked. I went to search all around my house, and even went to school to find it. However, i could not find it in the end. For the next few days, i felt remorseful. I thought, why was i so careless in losing that pencil. The feeling of remorseful was strong. However that feeling faded, slowly. And now, it exist only a memory.
Probably you might be thinking, i could always get another pencil at the end of the year. I could go to the same place, at the same time to get it. True. I can always get it. But the feeling of getting it would be different. This time, i would be getting a new one because i lost the old one, and not because of the initial feeling of wanting it. The whole story with this new pencil would be different. Never be the same.
Looking back, dont you think we have forsaken a lot of stuff.
Dont you think what we are doing now is just a waste of time. Working, Chatting, Socialising, Exercising. All this are just like time wasters, we waste time to use up our time in a day, soon days in a week, weeks in a month, months in a year, etc. There is really no huge major points in those parts of life. Nothing is as huge as when you were born, or when you passed on. As we reached the point when we start choosing what course we want to take, what future we want. These are just minor issues. In the end, we will still be trapped in time controlled environment, where you have only fixed lunch hour break. Then you are off to work. I was chatting with my friend during her lunch break, i mocked her being trapped in a controlled environment like in school. She replied, well its better than being bored at home. I guess this is life. We are mostly just wasting our time off, doing something until we die.
But then again, i am not saying we should not care about life and all. Its comes down to choices. The kind of journey you want to lead in life. How you want your story to go. Its like every night before you sleep, you think back what you have done in the day. If you have done something great, you would feel good about it.
I am not sure if this is counted going overseas, because i could still hear singapore radio stations there. And it is really funny when they broadcast messages supporting Team Singapore in SEA Games in Malaysia. Ironic that is.
Yup, i went to Johor Bahru yesterday. Went shopping with my family at City Square. And i must say, there are really alot cheap and nice clothes there. The clothes are not too fanciful, but trendy. Suit my taste. My mum was saying that why we didnt go there earlier. I realise i found out new things about myself everyday, like what taste i prefer. Lets say shopping for clothes yesterday, i found out i kind of drawn to clothes with small details. How do i say this. Let us say a stripped down collar shirt. I would prefer it to have small spacing in between those strips rather than large spacing. And it would be best if they just have a small design, be it sewed on, on paste on, on the collar shoulder down the chest. This is because i detest wearing blazer, or coat, or vest. I like simple.
Well, this might be wierd. But the thing that fascinates me the most is going past the checkpoints. LOL. Probably going shopping does not catch my eye as i only shop only when i need too. Spend less unnecessary money. But going past the checkpoints, having your fingerprints scanned, having CCTVs all around you, feels like you are part of a big system moving about. Just like when you see colonies of ants scrawling at the bottom of the tree, and you are big giant, looking at them.
Hopefully going to CitySquare to shop would be a starting point. It so easy to get into Malaysia, i feel. With a passport, and a SBS bus ride, you are into malaysia in 2 hours. Ok, its rather a long journey due to holidays. And then, you can shop shop shop. I see a great business prospect in that part of Malaysia. Hopefully, rising brands can start up shops there, and more shopping malls to be build up.
Coming back took less than 1.5 hours, due to lighter traffic, and fast immigration process.
First time going to Malaysia, was certainly a great experience. Bought a nice new year shirt already. Yipee. Away from the clutches from my mother who keep bugging me to go buy a shirt.
